The Red Notebook

Lana clutched a red notebook to her chest as she sank slowly to the ground, resting her head on the edge of the bed. It was all that she had left of him. Him... The center of her universe, the source of all her good mornings, the one person who could make her feel from sad to happy in a blink of an eye. James. “Why did you leave me?” Lana sobbed.

  James was the complete opposite of her, and she still wonders why she even fell for him in the first place. He liked cheese, she despised cheese. He’d rather sit quietly and read, she’d rather get up and dance. He was positive, she was a pessimistic. That was the reason why she hated that red notebook that he always kept close to him. What was it that was so special? What was it about this stupid red notebook anyway that made him smile every time he reads it?

            James didn’t allow Lana to peek inside the notebook, let alone read it. “It must be a list of all the girls you’re dating, and their phone numbers, or even pictures of them right?” Lana yelled one day, annoyed at the fact that she wasn’t allowed to read it.

“Hon, it’s the age of technology and cloud computing, ain’t nobody got time fo dat! That’s what I have my cellphone for!” James teased, grinning that smug grin of his whenever he makes fun of Lana. Lana hated that grin, but somehow, it made him even more irresistible to her.

“You are so dead!” Lana laughed, as she threw a couch pillow from across the room. The pillow landed on James’s face with a big thud. He started laughing. Lana dove on top of him, smacking him over and over again with the couch pillow.

Lana smiled when she remembered that moment. No matter how hard Lana tried to steal it away from him, James was always a step ahead of her, always ruining her sneaky plans. It was the thing she loved most about James, he knew her better than anyone. It was like he knew every inch of her mind, but of course, she eventually found it annoying since she couldn’t surprise him anymore. But most of the time, she is grateful that she finally found someone who understood her.

Lana stared at the red notebook. It was just a regular notebook. She smoothed her hand over the leather cover and flipped quickly through the pages without looking at it. That’s what she has been doing for the past hour, pondering if she should read it or not. What if her suspicions were true? What if it held some sort of dark secret that James never told her? Lana shook her head. “No, stop it, Lana. James is not like that. Think positive, remember what he said! Remember what he said!” Lana said to herself.

She closed her eyes and let out a sigh. She needed to change her pessimistic attitude badly. That’s what James had always said to her. “Lana, maybe instead of focusing on the things you don’t have, you should focus more on what you do have. Here, write it down, write all the things you have and things that make you happy!” James said, as he handed her a pen and paper.

“Oh please, enough with that positive attitude crap, I don’t need it. I’m miserable and I hate myself so much!” Lana said bitterly. She didn’t need his help, and convinced herself she didn’t have a problem. James sighed and put the pen and paper next to Lana. He sat down beside her, patted her head and stroked her hair gently. Lana flinched at the touch of his hand but realized it was calming down her enraged emotions.

“Hate yourself? That’s the stupidest thing I have ever heard. How could I love you when you don’t love yourself? Lana… you…. are a very lucky girl. Don’t take anything for granted. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone” James said softly. He kissed her forehead, got up and left the room. That was about a week ago, and here she is, alone in that very same room of her apartment, clinging to her dead boyfriend’s red notebook. James’s funeral ended just a couple of hours ago and Lana was still in her black dress. She sobbed quietly. The silence besides her crying pierced her heart. It wasn’t always this quiet, she thought. She hated being alone, and maybe that’s why she depended so much on James for comfort. But he was no longer here. Lana felt lost without the warmth of James in her life. She was so angry at James, why did he leave her so fast? He promised he would always be there for her. Tears dropped down onto the red notebook as she remembered the last conversation she had before his accident.

“Lana… I’m going to teach you how to live. Being sad is a choice, don’t torture yourself. Choose to be happy” James said gently, as he held Lana in his arms. Lana was crying that day. The pressure of her internship was too overwhelming, her parents were fighting, and to top it all off, she was going abroad for a very long time to finish her degree, meaning that she would have to part with James. Lana felt the world was so dark and all that she could do is cry in James’s arms.

“You don’t realize what you have Lana, you… are a very lucky girl. Open your eyes a little wider, you’ll see. You’ve got this. Find the survivor in your soul” James said, as he held Lana tight.

Lana missed that moment the most. That moment when she fell so hard, where James was always there, ready to catch her. She sighed and gathered up the courage to finally open the first page of the notebook. She read the first page. “Things that make James Happy and Grateful”, it read. She smiled at her boyfriend’s messy writing and opened the second page. Tears filled her eyes instantly as she began reading page after page. It was all her. All the jokes she told, the quirky things she did, pictures of her funny face, stories she told him, pages and pages and pages and pages… of her. On the last page it read, “I’m grateful to have met Lana, and I won’t stop making her happy”. A ring was hidden beneath the leather covering of the back page. Lana sobbed even more as she held the ring in her hand.

She felt so guilty for all the times she pushed James away, being so defensive, when all he wanted her to do was realize all the things she should be grateful for. All the friends that are willing to be there for her, her loving family that would do anything for her, all the blessings she has. Did Lana even bother thinking of them? No. She was too caught up being selfish, hating herself for what she doesn’t have. She was ashamed that she took them for granted.  And she took herself for granted too. If only she saw the Lana that James always saw. She needed to appreciate herself more and stop bullying herself.

Lana stood up and looked for an empty notebook. She found one by her bookcase, sat down and started writing. She held the ring tightly on her other hand and began listing all the things that she is thankful of. Lana is determined to be happy, she is indeed…. a very lucky girl.